In and Out of the Bubble was put in place so that if I needed to vent or complain I could do so without any repercussions. Well, today I am doing neither. I am shouting from the rooftops about the time I had last night. I had the time of my life. Really, I did. No, there was no alcohol involved. I did not do the coyote ugly on the top of the bar. I did not have multiple orgasms, or even wake up sore this morning. I woke up with a smile on my face.
I spent last night with a group of 6 women that I enjoy spending time with. My children spent time with their children and had a really good time. Cards were played, video games exhausted, and the women made crafts around the table and laughed and giggled and ate (way too much shit-will have to starve myself for the next two to get rid of the crap I put in my body) and all out enjoyed each other’s company.
Thank You, guys…
I did come to a few realizations as the night went on, and I would like to share them with my blog for a few...
a. I am not one who can take an overstimulation. I quit smoking on December 1st. Really, I did. I have had a really hard time twice in the past thirteen days. I have been a real biatch. About three years ago, I went to a talk on addictions, mainly smoking, but was told that an addiction was a 5 headed monster, and once you realize which head you need to fight first you are on the way to conquer that addiction. The monster’s heads are behavioral, social, chemical, emotional, and psychological. I have conquered the chemical. I have conquered the social. I have been working really hard on the behavioral, (that is the one where when I have a cup of coffee or drive in the car alone I want one really bad). I don’t know which one is the problem that I have, is it emotional or psychological. I cannot survive overstimulation. I just can’t do it. Why, when there are so many things going on, am I at a loss? I start to shake. I develop a headache. Last night, I bummed a cigarette and removed myself from a group of 20, with laughing, 3 video games going on, a two and half year old running around. Just to be alone…well in a smaller group of people (me and 2 others). I didn’t even enjoy the cigarette. I didn’t even come close to smoking the whole thing. I took a drag or two and put it out; just to realize…this is why I have had a really hard time quitting…My family is an overstimulation in itself. I need to find something to do over the next few weeks to remove myself from the group and recoup. How?
b. I am an extremely STRICT mother! No, not just the kind that punishes her kids for doing wrong…but really strict. My son, not saying which one, told a group of kids this summer, a story about their brother. This group of kids told their mother. This mother told me the whole story. I was bothered by the fact that my son was ratting on his brother. WRONG!
c. I am an extremely PRUDE mother! I have a problem with my children doing drugs. If I were to find out that my child had tried drugs or alcohol I would find the need to talk to them about it. Can I punish them for trying things…no not really, I did it…but trying and sticking to it are a really bad thing, and that needs to be discussed. I could not and would not be able to sit with my child and smoke a bone. I would not be able to allow it to be done in my house. I would not be able to allow my kitchen table to become the bong central for my kids friends.
d. I missed out on a lot of these peoples last 20 years. I love them all dearly but feel like I lost out on something. I don’t know the pasts. I don’t understand some of the stories that were told. I feel a little like an outsider but I am so happy that they have all let me back in.
Again, I say, I love these women and don’t want to lose out on any more. Thank you, I love you all.
And the best part, I got rid of a car load of stuff-out of my house!